Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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