The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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