I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
