My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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