Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
