I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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