so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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