In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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