I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
