I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize