I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
