Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
