So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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