Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
