I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Randomize
