R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
