I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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