i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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