I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
