420 ftw
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
