Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She even gives head with a lisp.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
