I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
