my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
