the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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