I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
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