So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
