did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
