Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
