It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
birth control should be required to get into college
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
