At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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