you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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