He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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