it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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