based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
