My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize