just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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