officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
