I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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