Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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