so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
