Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Text me some of your sweat
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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