We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
