At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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