1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
