I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
we made out on top of his cat.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
