Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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