dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
