He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Randomize
