I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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