I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
