Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Just pee around me
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
