i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
