Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
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