Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
