just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
