I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
