please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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