i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
